The best way out is always through. - Robert Frost

This is a follow up to February's post on Acceptance and Action. Thoughtful action can only follow true acceptance of a situation. For many years I was a sweep it under the rug kind of girl. I thought if I avoided it and pretended it wasn't there, it would eventually go away. I learned it NEVER goes away. I remember sitting in my therapist office several years ago, desperate for a different way of living, I asked her what I needed to do to change. She started by asking me about my family and creating a genogram. If you don't know what a genogram is, it's kinda like a therapist version of a family tree, but it seeks to discover more than our ancestry. She used a pencil and erasor as she took this information, which is good, because I have a complicated family. This was fun at first, but then it started to get really uncomfortable. In that moment, went it got really uncomfortable, it was as if her eyes were fixed on the floor, the place I had both feet firmly planted on the rug that held all of my pain and all of my secrets. I knew I had been found out and I was not happy about her ability to see through my smokescreen of togetherness. Since this was my time and my money, I let her know we would not be disturbing what was underneath the rug, as it was perfectly fine where it was at. I informed her that my issues were not in the past, but in my inability to navigate the difficulties of the day to day stuff. I asked her what I needed to do get over these obstacles, to get beyond them, and to find a little peace. I let her know how smart and adaptable I was, how resilient and wise I had become over the years. She smiled, not in a condescending way, but a kind and compassionate way. She said the only way out was through it. I sunk in my chair, I did not want to go through the pain of my past. Even more, I did not want to go on living the way I was living, so I slowly started the process of surrender. I had much to accept before I could begin to take action.


"The wound is the place where the light enters you." Rumi

The Big Book of Alchoholic Anonymous has a widely read piece on acceptance that can be adapted to almost any situation, not just alcohol. I've learned that sometimes complete acceptance is the only action I need to take. Page 417 reads: And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!

The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.

Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavoir." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.

I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.

I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.

Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.

That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.


From my clinical theory of counseling:

Essential #9, Develop Acceptance. Both gratitude and acceptance are important characteristics to be mindful of in our quest to restore and maintain balance in our lives. People often enter counseling only able to see the negative aspects of their situation and are unable to see the whole picture. As a therapist, it is my job to help my clients look carefully at the nature of their presenting problem and start to identify different outcomes that will lead to the relief or insight they are seeking. Whether a client comes to me feeling anxious, angry, overwhelmed, or afraid, it is my job to help tap into their natural potential for change, and to help them recognize that acceptance is often the only way out of a difficult situation.

Awareness of the source of the pain is almost always the starting place in my work with clients, especially if they have sought out counseling in need of immediate relief. We begin to take steps to accept the situation for what it is, no matter how painful or difficult it might seem in the moment. Together we begin to imagine and create different and more desirable outcomes based on conversations about what can be changed, and what cannot be changed. Change requires action, and action is only possible when we accept the way the world is so that we can begin to work with it.

Acceptance and Action

"Acceptance is the answer to all of our problems"
"Accept the things I cannot change"
"Let go or be dragged"
"Drop the rope"
"Surrender"

AND THEN WHAT?!



FIRST, ACCEPT THINGS EXACTLY AS THEY ARE, WITHOUT JUDGMENT OF YOUR FEELINGS. NOTICE YOUR ANGER, DISAPPOINTMENT, FEAR, LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR BODY IS TRYING TO TELL YOU. My beloved professor, Alex Onno, would remind us that symptoms were post cards from the soul, and that whatever is happening in our body is important information. We are often quick to push away, judge, or reject whatever we are feeling. Just listen and notice. How about a little self compassion? Don't know what that is, read my post in January on being compassionate with yourself. The old adage is true, you gotta love yourself before you can love another.



For me, the big lesson in creating change means complete acceptance of things exactly the way they are. Before I start making judgments about the way I think things should be or how this wasn't how I hoped it to be, I remind myself that I am "exactly where I am suppose to be". In my spiritual practice this means that I turn it over to God, I quit trying to run the show, and I cultivate a little more faith. I do not do this without resistance, I often struggle and stay stuck, but I keep trying and I am rewarded with the gift of deeper understanding about myself and the presence of God.



Oh, I never answered the "then what part." I will post about solution focused action next. This is your first challenge in acceptance.

Compassion Fatigue and Vicarious Trauma

Compassion Fatigue: Seeking a Hidden Wholeness By David J. Powell, PhD
(Article slightly adapted by Haley Lowe to fit the work of JRA Parole Counselors)

Most Parole Counselors come into the field with a strong sense of calling, the desire to be of service to others. Yes, there are some who become Parole Counselors out of intellectual interest, to make a living, or because others encouraged them to do so. Yet, most feel a strong pull to somehow take their gifts and attributes and make themselves an instrument of service and healing in a world of suffering. Given what brought us into the field, we at times find ourselves caught in the stark contradiction between our hearts and the reality of our work life.

Ironically, Parole Counselors are blessed to have a front row seat on suffering, to life’s greatest dramas, and to see people get well. Somehow, though, over time, the joy of counseling begins to elude us. It is as if we were invited to a great banquet and sometime during the meal we realize that we’re eating grass, with an accompanying feeling of dryness and tiredness.

John, an alcohol and drug abuse Counselor, says, “I thought I came into counseling for the right reasons. At first I loved seeing patients. But the longer I am in the field, the harder it is to care. The joy seems to have gone out of my job. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Should I get out of counseling as many of my colleagues are doing? I want to find a way of overcoming my burnout. I can’t keep going on like this. I don’t want to see any more clients.”

If you have ever said the following or (similar) words to yourself, you are not alone: “Hey, this is not what I wanted, not what brought me into the field. I spend all my time doing paperwork and not seeing clients. The money I make isn’t compensation enough for all that it takes out of me. When I do get to my counseling sessions, I feel drained by my patients. I go home with nothing left to give to my family, let alone myself. I want to get out.”

The helping professions risk losing many skilled and compassionate healers at the height of their catalytic powers because the life has gone out of their work. Here is the critical question you should ask yourself: Knowing what I now know about counseling, would I enter the field again?

If not, how could this have happened, given the zeal you once felt when you entered the field? Why have so many Parole Counselors, who felt such a sense of calling, been driven from their work? What can be done to replenish the deep internal reservoir that helpers need to sustain a lifetime of service? How do we help the helper to help others help themselves?

The nature of the problem,counseling is a demanding job. We are under enormous strain today with increased client loads, less funding, more complex diagnoses and problems encountered regulations and administrative demands, and less time with patients. Most explanations of these issues are about external forces impinging on our practices:

• Health care has become a big business, and seems to be only about the bottom line, high tech and low touch.
• Regulations and requirements take precedence over caring and counseling. We’re drowning in paperwork mandated by funding sources. (According to a CSAT Study in 2003, the average alcohol and drug abuse Parole Counselor spends 20 percent — one day a week — on paperwork. Most Parole Counselors tell me that is an underestimation of the time they actually spend on forms and files).
• If new funds are found for the field, most of the increased dollars go to higher administrative costs and technology. Salaries of Parole Counselors and caregivers actually seem to be going down relative to increased demands and the cost of living.
• We are asked to do more with less, serving on a 24/7 basis, to provide “fast food” psychiatry and counseling.
• The stress of being part of other persons’ problems is a staggering responsibility that at times seems unbearable.

We can and should direct our energies to the systemic problems, but the front-line practitioner may feel helpless to change the system. Some simply withdraw, care less, or get out of the field entirely. Some adopt holistic practices or self-pay systems that avoid third-party reimbursement requirements. Most just complain or suffer in silence. The problems seem so vast that most of us simply do not know what to do.

Seeking a hidden wholeness
Although there may be an external crisis in health care in America (a crisis “of the head”), we need to address the “crisis of the heart” in health care providers. We seem to experience too little joy, love and kindness to sustain the hearts of those who serve. When the heart lacks nutrients caused by blockages, the heart closes down and causes pain. Most caregivers live with another form of pain, caused by blockages of love to their heart. And before you can aid another in healing their pain, you have to heal your own. For if we do not transform our pain, we transmit it.

Yes, we need to work to improve the health care system. But we also need to look within, to become resilient again, and to rediscover what gives us joy, meaning and hope in what we do. We need time for reflection, to listen again deeply and authentically, to the silent singing of our hearts. We need to redevelop our innate capacity for compassion — to be an open-hearted presence for someone in his/her suffering.

We are well trained technically. But when it comes to the hatching of our hearts, our “spiritual training,” our development has been greatly lacking. These problems cannot be solved by systemic changes alone, nor by external means. You see, counseling skills can be taught, but a compassionate heart can only be caught. The journey to find that hidden wholeness starts individually. We each need to attend to our inner life, to be more and more human, more ourselves, to reclaim a sense of calling and an attitude of sacredness toward the healing arts. So, doctor, first heal yourself!

The great writer and theologian Henri Nouwen said, “… a deep understanding of your pain makes it possible for you to convert your weakness into strength and to offer your experience as a source of healing to those who are often lost in the darkness of their own misunderstood sufferings.” It is indeed through our pain and suffering that we are better able to serve others. Carl Rogers once said, “Expertise cures but healing comes from our shared experiences and wounds. Before every session, take a moment to remember your humanity. There is nothing a person has experienced that I can’t share because I too have experienced pain and suffering in my life.”

However, this is just the opposite of what we want to do when we are tired and rusted out. (I don’t think Parole Counselors burn out, they rust out. Burnout happens when you put a pot on the stove and there is too much fire under it. That’s not what happens to Parole Counselors. Instead, we lose our fire, our passion, and rust out.) We want to run away from the intense fire of our jobs, when in fact, we ought to rush into the fire by sharing with the patients their pain and suffering. In Buddhism, this is called “tonglen,” taking on the pain of others. Remember the scene in the movie, The Green Mile, when the big prisoner takes on the pain of others? That’s what we need to do — walk into the fire of pain, risking nothing less than everything.

There is an old Chinese story of a master potter who worked his entire life to find the right glaze for his work. He tried year after year to find the perfect finish for his pottery. Finally, in desperation, he walked into the hot kiln himself. When his apprentice came by and removed the pots in the kiln he found them covered in the most beautiful glaze, aglow with the spectacular glow. To find that glaze the potter had to give all of himself and walk into the intensity of the baking fire. How does one have the courage, or foolishness, to walk into the fire of passionate work when our natural desire is to go in the opposite direction? The subtitle of this article, “in search of a hidden wholeness,” comes from Thomas Merton’s classic phrase, “there is in all things….a hidden wholeness and the title of Parker Palmer’s latest book, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey toward an undivided life (2004).

How does one find that hidden wholeness? It comes from listening to that still small voice within each of us that speaks the truth about me, my work and my world. Wholeness does not mean perfection: it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life. You do not have to be perfect to be a Parole Counselor. In fact, the opposite is true: it is your wounds and suffering that gives you an understanding of another’s pain.

Years ago there was a popular book entitled I’m OK, You’re OK. The title might have helped sell books but it was not good philosophy, for you’re not OK, but that’s OK. Knowing this gives us a sense of hope that human wholeness — mine, yours, and ours — need not be a utopian dream, but can be lived out in the gritty reality of life, amidst all of its pain and suffering, amidst its 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows.

How do we listen to that still small voice amidst the din of daily “doing?” First, we do not have to do this listening for the still small voice alone. Nor, does it come simply in solitude. We can hear it through meditation, guided imagery, poetry, art, journaling, self-reflection, small and large group discussion, solitude and community. People need opportunities to tell their stories — much like what happens at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting — and to listen and be touched by others. We should not do this inner work alone. There is a lovely Buddhist term, kalyanamitra, which is interpreted as “good friends,” or soul friends, who travel together and aid one another along their healing, spiritual path. There is an African expression that two antelope travel together so one can wipe the dust from each other’s eyes. Who is walking along with you today?

Another term for what Parole Counselors need to find their hidden wholeness is through “deep listening,” from one to another. What we need is another person or persons who can shift from fixing or doing for one another, to simply being present with another.

To continue to live a life in service to others, we need to re-find our soul that is longing to be heard, that speaks softly when it is drowned out by the noise of our busy personal and professional lives. We need an opportunity to slow down, to re-find what it was that brought us into the counseling field in the first place. We need to belong, to be-our-longing. What is it that you long to be today? What is awaiting you in life?

David Whyte expresses this well in his poem “Self-Portrait:”

“It doesn’t interest me if there is one God or many gods
I want to know if you belong or feel abandoned.
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know if you are prepared to live in the world
With its harsh need to change you.
If you can look back with firm eyes
Saying this is where I stand.
I want to know if you know
How to melt into that fierce heat of living
Falling toward the center of your longing.
I want to know if you are willing to live,
Day by day, with the consequence of love
And the bitter unwanted passion of your sure defeat.
I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even the gods speak of God.”

Once we have experiences that deep listening ourselves, then we can display deep listening, caring and compassion with our patients. But, to get there, we must remember that a Parole Counselor cannot take a client to a place he/she has not been. Again, in the words of Carl Rogers, “Counselors can’t counsel from beyond whom they have become.”

To paraphrase Parker Palmer again, “We heal out of who we are.”

The antidote for tirednessDo you feel tired and rusted out today? Do you feel like you need a really long vacation, perhaps to a deserted island somewhere? Benedictine monk David Stendl-Rast said the antidote for tired may not be rest but wholeheartedness. Rest is good! We all need times of relaxation and re-creation. But, after we go on vacation and return refreshed, a month later we have already lost whatever gain we made. Instead, longer-term gain comes from finding what brings us peace and joy. What gives us meaning and purpose at work? When it is all said and done, when you have seen your last client, how do you want to be remembered? What do you want said about you as a Parole Counselor? Usually, Counselors’ responses are fairly simple to this question and they say, “I want to be thought of as a caring, compassionate person, a skilled helper.”

If this is what we would like when it’s all over (and believe me, some day your work as a Parole Counselor will end), what are we waiting for? We need to live that life of caring and compassion today, risking all. T.S. Elliott in The Four Quartets, says that this calls for risking nothing less than life itself.

What is the antidote for the tiredness you feel today? Yes, take a vacation when needed. But more importantly, find your wholeness, what gives you joy. Wendell Berry describes this fork in the road so well when he writes, “It may be when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey.”
David J. Powell, Ph.D., President, International Center for Health Concerns, Inc., is an internationally recognized lecturer and trainer, and author of Clinical Supervision in Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counseling. His most recent book is Playing Life’s Second Half: A Man’s Guide for Turning Success into Significance. For further
information, contact djpowell2@yahoo.com or www.ichc-us.org.

References
Palmer, Parker. A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2004.
This article is published in Counselor,The Magazine for Addiction Professionals, February 2006, v.7, n.1, pp.36-39.

Ways to Increase Self-Compassion

Ask yourself:
• What would a mother say to her child if she wanted the child to grow and develop?
• How will I learn and grow if it’s not OK to make mistakes?
• Can I feel my feelings of pain without getting lost in the drama or storyline of my situation?
• Can I fully accept this moment and these emotions as they are without suppressing, resisting or avoiding?
• Isn’t it true that I am not the only one going through such difficult times and that all people experience things like this, or worse, at some point in their lives?

More tips for increasing self-compassion, a self-quiz and suggested readings are at Dr. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion Web site.

My Family of Origin Letter from my Father (posthumously)

The following is a letter from my father; I believe it was written in 1994. It was in response to a letter I wrote him following a confrontation we had following a visit. I witnessed him berate and criticize my older brother and I froze. When he finished going off on my brother, I saw red, and I went from freeze to fight. I had never confronted an adult before (I was 23) and I was trembling after the encounter, and cried from a place of deep pain I could not understand at the time. For many years I thought of my father as an angry man with a bad temper, quick to explode and criticize. In a way, I kept my distance. He was also a highly intelligent man with many stories and dreams. In his mid-fifties, shortly after he wrote this letter, he changed, he started to let go of his anger and began to soften. He was introspective, kind, and thoughtful. He was always quick to say he loved me and how proud he was of me.

In graduate school we were encouraged to conduct family of origin interviews with our family members as a way to better understand how we think and feel are influenced by an emotional system that has its roots in our families’ multigenerational history. Since my father passed away in 2005 I was not able to interview him. Our faculty described a process of conducting graveside visits and others ways to do this work with those who have passed. In the end of my second year I found a letter from my father, and when read from the perspective of a family of origin letter, it is incredibly prolific and deeply moving. My father may not have known who Murray Bowen was, but he surely understood the multigenerational transmission process and the role our family of origin plays in our lives.

THE LETTER

4/22 7 p.m.

My Dearest Haley,

Just arrived back to Bend. Your letter was most welcomed. It brought tears! Yes, we are one, yes we are extremely sensitive. Once again you are the one who sees, the one who understands. If you had known your grandmother better you’d better understand me. Your mother can tell you about my mom.

As it turns out I also have the “great genetic’ link to my father. Please try to understand that when you see the polar sides of me it’s due to being part of two opposite types!

You, my darling Haley, are the extension of the John Lowe curse! Painfully expressive! Blunt in truthfulness! Caring till it creates anger! But, but, do not fear for the future! It is assured! You will surely bear the pain of others if only from being able to sense it! Do not assume personal responsibility for it all! Contribute where you are able! The saying is “from each according to their ability, to each according to their need!” Also, and this is from the incredible gift you gave me at xmas, “the pain of love be sweeter far than all other pleasures are!” I love the book. There are quotes to cover almost ever situation, any subject. Thank you once more for your perception and thoughtfulness. I’ll look up daughter-“Oh, my sons my son til he get him a wife, but my daughter’s my daughter all her life.”

I love you! I hope we can spend some time- up close and personal soon! Beyond being your father I aspire to be one who has your respect for who I am becoming!

Dennis

On Developing Acceptance

Excerpt from my clinical theory of counseling, The Quest for Balance:The Ten Essentials.

Essential #9, Develop Acceptance.

Both gratitude and acceptance are important characteristics to be mindful of in our quest to restore and maintain balance in our lives. People often enter counseling only able to see the negative aspects of their situation and are unable to see the whole picture. As a therapist, it is my job to help my clients look carefully at the nature of their presenting problem and start to identify different outcomes that will lead to the relief or insight they are seeking. Whether a client comes to me feeling anxious, angry, overwhelmed, or afraid, it is my job to help tap into their natural potential for change, and to help them recognize that acceptance is often the only way out of a difficult situation.

Awareness of the source of the pain is almost always the starting place in my work with clients, especially if they have sought out counseling in need of immediate relief. We begin to take steps to accept the situation for what it is, no matter how painful or difficult it might seem in the moment. Together we begin to imagine and create different and more desirable outcomes based on conversations about what can be changed, and what cannot be changed. Change requires action, and action is only possible when we accept the way the world is so that we can begin to work with it.



Thoughts and Prayers about Acceptance:

“Acceptance is a state of non-reactivity and understanding. Acceptance does not mean ‘approval’ or that you condone what you are accepting. It means that you see something and know it for what it is, without having to need to change it. There are many ways prayer can prepare you for acceptance.”

“God of My Heart, help me to see and to know things for what they are, both inside me and outside of me. Help me to allow things to be as they are, even when I wish them to be different.
Help me to experience the importance of Acceptance: that things as they are hold many gifts, and that if my eyes and heart are open I can learn from what things and people teach me.
Help me to remember that to be in the state of Acceptance means that I can truly move through the world knowing what I can and cannot change.”

Goodbye my friend. I’ll see you on the other side.

LOST

She lost her voice, went outside to find her words. She got lost in the moon and the stars and the sky. The coldness of the winter night wrapped itself around her like a blanket. She could not find her way home.
January 15, 1961 - January 14, 2013

Sadness is such a lonely road to travel alone. It takes you further and further into the darkness, and sometimes to the point of no return. I remember what it was like to be lonely, hopeless, and stuck in my own despair. In these lonely times I did not long for connection and I didn't dare reach out for help. It was my despair, my pain, my lot in life. It was who I was, and I was where I belonged. I have lost two friends to suicide, one in 2003, and I just learned of another friend’s death, perhaps not suicide, but certainly a death that could have been avoided. Today I am grateful for my recovery and the many friends, mentors, and guides that have supported on my journey to wholeness.

In the wake of disbelieving, grieving, loss, and confusion, the question we ask is, “why didn't they reach out, ask for help?” We try to make sense of a sadness we will never understand, unless you have had the experience, then you already know and you will not need to ask. You will not try to explain. You already know this sadness has a paralyzing venom that keeps you trapped in despair. Rarely does a person in this place have ability to ask for help. Ask yourself, if they had this ability, wouldn't they have reached out? They lost the ability to see the glimmer of hope and their light faded into dust. They could not find the words to explain their sadness. We trace our steps and find pieces of the puzzle, evidence of their struggle and despair, and we can't help but wish for a different outcome. We want to think we could have done something, and maybe we could have, but for whatever reason, we were not able. They are ashes, they are a reminder of how close we are to the edge, how precarious and precious this life is. Seconds and inches.

I hold the light of Jackie and Jennifer in my memory, in my heart, and into my work with others. As therapist, we talk about being the lantern that our clients carry with them into the darkness. These two beautiful women will be the light in the lantern that I hold for my clients.

Today I will Increase my Capacity to Love

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections." John Lennon

Stepping out of your Comfort Zone

I wonder how much fear of the unknown keeps me from seeing, doing, and being. I've had a couple of conversations over the last few days about the stories we tell ourselves and how much fear inhabits our narrative. Fear tries to tell us it's too scary, too hard, or that we are not smart enough, good enough, or worthy enough. I am learning how to sit with fear instead of running away. Fear is usually trying to stop me from believing in myself, fear likes to keep me small, and if I let it, fear can rob me of my joy. When I find my self believing fear, I quickly remember........



Fear is a tricky foe. I think my ability to look fear in the face comes from the interpersonal work I've done around my Family of Origin issues. Fear played a huge role of keeping me in my addiction, I believed fear when it told me I wasn't good enough, or smart enough, or worthy enough of God's love and light. Fear kept me in the darkness. I had to go back to my past to fully understand the source of fear in my life. Here is an excerpt from my clinical theory of counseling that explains the root of fear in many peoples life:

"For those who have been wounded, especially as a result of early childhood trauma, unraveling their family history can be long and arduous process, but it most often a vital and necessary step towards healing." In her essay, The Labyrinth of Truama, Dr. Alexandra Onno discusses the client who comes to us with a history of trauma:

"These are the ones who enter our hopeful offices suffering from what over time has become a terrible inner battle, and often a self-destructive one. Resulting from profound issues of survival and attachment and loss, born out of living with relationships characterized and poisoned by danger rather than nurture, these are the survivors of relationships that wittingly or unwittingly betrayed the first contract, the contract to keeping safe the young ones in our care. (Onno, 2012, p.2)"

As therapists, we are entrusted with the responsibility to meet each client we receive with a tender awareness of the history of trauma their stories may hold.

The lack of secure attachment, where a child received “consistent, emotionally attuned, contingent communication with their parent or primary caregiver” (Siegel, Hartzell, 2003, p.103) is perhaps the deepest wound a person will experience in their life time. A broken heart may go unnoticed by the untrained eye, as those who have this wound often work hard to conceal their hurt and pain. My work as a therapist is to look for that which is hidden, to help mend broken hearts, and to facilitate the process of becoming whole again. There is a place in all of us that longs to be whole, to be a “worthy member of the tribe” (Onno, 2012), and to know that we are enough.

In Onno’s essay, To Fill This Cup: The Quest for Secure Attachment, she describes that:
"Secure attachments are born out of state of enough: enough affection, warmth, and responsiveness, and enough consistency, structure, and safety. We need the sweetness of life as well as stability, roses as well as bread. Secure attachment is ‘the full cup’ that does not leak—the cup holds something worth holding. (Onno, 2012, p.3)"

The art and beauty of the healing process emerges when the client and therapist are able to join together in creating a cup that can release the bitterness of the past and hold the sweetness life has to offer today. If the client is ready, I believe that I can hold the container that will allow them to find the answers that exist inside themselves. Answers that will tell them that they are competent, lovable and that they belong on this earth. In our work together I will make space for conversations about developing acceptance and how to be forgiving as a way to heal from the past and be fully alive for the present.
We are not always aware of the impact our families’ history has on our functioning, but we are born into system that has a need for us to function in a specific way. In utilizing Bowen Theory my hope is that I can assist clients in understanding that their stories began developing when they were infants in the care of their parents. I believe the stories we tell ourselves are the verbal DNA that connect us to our family of origin. This DNA is passed on from generation to generation and will shape our beginnings and stay with us until the end of our lives. We will pass this DNA onto our children, and they will pass it onto theirs. Bowen theory recognizes this pattern as the concept of the multigenerational transmission:

The multigenerational transmission process describes how small differences in the levels of differentiation between parents and their offspring lead over many generations to marked differences in differentiation among the members of a multigenerational family. The information creating these differences is transmitted across generations through relationships. The transmission occurs on several interconnected levels ranging from the conscious teaching and learning of information to the automatic and unconscious programming of emotional reactions and behaviors (The Bowen Center, 2012, p.1).

Increasing a client’s understanding of family of origin issues and how they manifest in their present day life is a key component to my role as a therapist. Family Systems theorists would say that we are born into the most influential narrative we will ever encounter at any point in our lives. At birth our parents consciously and unconsciously convey their messages about our lovability through how they welcome us, nurture us, and accept us into their lives. The messages received and all interactions between parents and children contribute to what Bowen Theory calls the nuclear family emotional system. Using the Bowenian lens I am able to help clients deepen their knowledge of how this emotional system may be a source of anxiety that is still alive and impacting their current relationship and quality of life. I believe that the stories we develop about ourselves, both positive and negative, play a significant role in every aspect of our lives, and therapy is one of ways to understand how the past lives in the now.

"Let Go or Be Dragged", The 30 day meditation challenge.

One of the greatest spiritual tools I possess comes from actively working the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The 11th step encourages us to take on a morning meditation. "The eleventh step says that we do this in part “to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him,” that is, so that we can learn how to go through every day of our lives being continually aware of God’s presence with us and around us in everything that we do. So we need to be aware of God’s presence while we are meditating, and practice at this, so that we can carry this awareness with us throughout the rest of the day." Taking time out for morning meditation has allowed me to feel more grounded in my purpose on this planet and more connected to my higher power. I know this practice makes a difference in how my day goes AND I don't always take the 5-20 minutes it requires to do it."

Today I am challenging myself to take 15 minutes each morning for prayers and meditations. My meditation practice begins with a prayer, then I read AA approved literature or something that is spiritually inspirational or provocative, then I sit for 5-10 minutes, and I conclude with a journal entry. This is my journal entry from yesterday, I was meditating on letting go of that which does not serve me. "Holding onto hurt and fear, why is so hard to let go? What really is the fear? Think....sit quietly...name it.
It is....fear of not being met, being misunderstood, disappointed, disconnected, alone, frustrated. This is the fear, this is what I hold onto. What would happen if I let go? I can't say for sure, but it may be something different? I won't know unless I let go. How? What does letting go really look like, what does it mean, what do I do? So afraid to move forward, afraid I won't be met. God, I turn my will and my life over to you so that I may better do your will. Help me let go so I can connect with others and live in your light and love.

Rumi

The Gift of Friendship

I had dinner on Friday night with two amazing women I've known for a long time.  I met my friend Karen when I was 17 or maybe a little younger (I just turned 42, so we've know each other a long time).  We worked together in a "fine dining" restaurant at The Governor House Hotel and Conference Center. I was a busser and she was a server.  She was in her early 20's and I was pretty sure she was one of the coolest "adults" I'd ever met.  Over the years we've managed to stay in touch and witness the journey of each others lives.  We traveled through the Southwest in a VW Westfalia camper van I bought with student loan money in my junior year at The Evergreen State College in 1997.  This was her first trip away from her daughter, who was three years old at the time.  I sang karaoke at her graduation party when she received her Master's degree, not sure when it was, maybe 2000.  She stepped in and  helped cater my dad's memorial in 2005.  We talked about the challenges of raising a fiercely independent 15 year old, and we often laughed about the insanity of our lives and choices we made or didn't make.  One thing we've always had in our relationship is honesty and laughter, lots of laughter.  If I think about what has made our friendship work all of these years, it would have two be those two things.  Karen is one of the the most authentic people I have ever know.  Spider was the other dinner guest, I've know her about 10 years or so, and she is another smart, creative, soulful, and authentic person.  Dinner with these two reminded me how important and vital honesty and laughter are to my existence.  If I had nothing but these two things at the end of my life, I would be content.  Oh, and by the way, Karen remains, without a doubt, one of the coolest adults I know.

The inspiration for this post was the book Karen gave me for my graduation:

From this book comes one of my favorite quotes:

"How does one become a butterfly?"  She asks pensively.

"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

Being Compassionate with Yourself

How compassionate are you when it comes to your own needs, longings, and fears? I was my own worse critic for years and allowed my fear and self judgement to occupy a lot of prime realestate in my life. I was too much of one thing and not enough of the other and I felt like nothing I did ever added up to much. For a majority of my life, if only and should have kept me stuck in my own misery. Today, I know that I am enough. Today, I recognize my imperfections and I have compassion for my struggles and fears. I get to make mistakes and I get to start my day over as many times as I need to. I've learned how to utilize a powerful phrase that has strengthened my relationships with people I care about; "I was wrong, and I'm sorry." Admitting my mistakes and owning up to my shortcomings has been a suprising pathway to building self esteem and feeling good about how I show up in the world.

Here is a cool site on self compassion. I have used the test with clients as a way to really look at how our lack of self compassion can cast a dark shadow over our true potential for growth and change. http://www.self-compassion.org/

Max Ehrmann's inspirational poem - Desiderata

The common myth is that the Desiderata poem was found in a Baltimore church in 1692 and is centuries old, of unknown origin. Desiderata was in fact written around 1920 (although some say as early as 1906), and certainly copyrighted in 1927, by lawyer Max Ehrmann (1872-1945) based in Terre Haute, Indiana. The Desiderata myth began after Reverend Frederick Kates reproduced the Desiderata poem in a collection of inspirational works for his congregation in 1959 on church notepaper, headed: 'The Old St Paul's Church, Baltimore, AD 1692' (the year the church was founded). Copies of the Desiderata page were circulated among friends, and the myth grew, accelerated particularly when a copy of the erroneously attributed Desiderata was found at the bedside of deceased Democratic politician Aidlai Stevenson in 1965.

Whatever the history of Desiderata, the Ehrmann's prose is inspirational, and offers a simple positive credo for life.



desiderata - by max ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

My Graduation Commencement Speech, January 19th, 2013 at Bastyr Chapel

When I first thought about making this speech, I was overwhelmed and a bit anxious about having only five minutes to make the most important speech of my life. When I reflected more deeply on my task, I realized that this wasn’t the most important speech I’d ever make in my life, that speech would need to be at least seven minutes.

As we leave here, we’re all going to be making the most important speech of our lives, and we’re going to make it over and over again. We’re going to do it every time we take the time to get to know somebody, to look them in the eyes, to treat them with respect, compassion, and empathy. Now that we share this responsibility, my anxiety has lifted, and I can relax a little.

Every time we make a connection and bring our authentic selves to a conversation or a meeting - every time we join with another person, and are truly present - we make the most important speech of our lives.

We do this when we show up in the world with intention.
We do this when we are deliberate about the quality of the connections we make with the people in our lives.
We do this when we are aware of our impact on others.
We do this simply by being present in the moment.

In sharing this responsibility, the importance of me, one person standing before you today, became less significant, and what really became important was the power that each of us has to impact change in the world and the magnitude of the impact we can make with the amazing tools that were given to us in our time at LIOS. (For the record, they weren't just given to us, we had to work for them.)

As a cohort, we were asked to take a leap of faith and step outside of our comfort zones. We were asked to let go of old stories, assumptions and habits, and to be fully open to discovering a new way of being alive in the world. We learned to listen for our true vocation and found our purpose on the planet. A deep desire to serve emerged from our shared experience as a cohort when our faculty called on us to think about where our deep hunger met the world’s deep need. Broken hearts were mended and made whole. Vulnerabilities were revealed, and when we looked into each other’s eyes, with respect, authenticity, and unconditional positive regard, we saw the universal longing to belong and to be a part of. We found that on the other side of fear was love. The divide between us grew smaller and our connection grew stronger. We were transformed.

Love is the antidote to the disconnect that keeps us in fear, the antidote that will bring us closer as a community so we can begin to heal, a healing that is so desperately needed in these unprecedented times of violence and unrest in the world. Love is the most powerful weapon we possess as human beings. Love requires us to trust, it asks us to let go of certainty, and it invites curiosity.

We have been asked to take risks in the service of learning, and I’m calling on our class to continue to let love guide us through the challenges that lie ahead. As Alex reminded us, the work that we do as therapists and practitioners is not for the faint of heart. We are going to need a lot of love on our journey.

I believe so deeply that love is at the core of what we need to heal the world. We don’t need any more evidence; we don’t need another political party, or another religious body; all we need is the spirit of love and compassion. When I look around this room, I see no shortage of love - let us capitalize on this and make miracles happen. Let’s take risks in the service of love, and go out and change the world. Are you with me?

Before I close, I invite everyone gathered here today to consider a few simple ways you can begin to make a difference in the world:

 Talk to strangers
 Question your assumptions
 Be curious
 Practice gratitude
 Take a radical stand for social justice.
 Don’t wait to move towards love, don’t wait until the time is right, the time may never feel right, just take the first step, no matter how small
 Speak your truth from a place of respect and compassion, not to be right, but to be a part of the conversation.
 Really get to know who is at the table and be aware of who is missing.
 Be courageous and trust that little voice inside of you that says something isn’t right; and in the works of Audre Lorde, “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.” Trust yourself.
 And most importantly. . . .remember to breath.

We could not have come this far without our incredible faculty who led us through this amazing labyrinth of growth and awakening. We are deeply grateful for your guidance, wisdom, and encouragement. We could not have dreamed up a more amazing group of teachers to guide us on this journey.

To our friends and families who supported us through the ups and downs of this crazy learning experience. Thank you.

I will close with the Tree of Life Blessing by Shiloh Sopia McCloud:
May you choose outrageous actions that challenge who you are
and encourage who you are becoming.
May you take one step, however small,
toward that which you have always longed for.
Now is the "right time."
May you recognize the unique and powerful contribution
that you bring to the people whose lives you touch.
May you be as wonderful as you really are,
and do things because you want to,
not just because you should.
May you celebrate your creativity
and believe that you are an
artist with a unique vision that no one else has.
May you find peace and purpose and possibility
amidst the chaos
while remaining aware of the unrest in the world.
May you reach towards the Spirit
with a longing that keeps
you awake to the miracles available all around you.
May your faith move any mountains
that stand in your way
and bring you great teachers to awaken your understanding.
May you give up shame, guilt and self-neglect
and replace them with qualities like freedom,
integrity and self-nurturing.
May you offer the gifts and blessings
of your soul work
to beings of the world
when the time is ripe for you to release them.
May you passionately and deeply love and be loved
by someone who can see who you really are.
May your body speak to you and teach you
how to care for the temple
that houses your bright spirit.
May you walk gently on the earth
and honor your hearth and family
with your action and your rest.
May you find and enjoy the fruit of abundance
so that your life path can be fortified and furthered.
May you embrace the Tree of Life
and be informed by the wisdom
she brings to those on her path.
May LOVE be at the center of all your choices
and may you, with me,
send this blessing to all beings.
Amen.

The Quest for Balance: The Ten Essentials

The following excerpt is taken from my clinical theory of counseling titled The Quest for Balance: The Ten Essentials

THE TEN ESSENTIALS
Answering the Call

I went a short road trip with my Dad in July 2005. We stopped for lunch at a roadside cafe somewhere between Coos Bay and Tillamook, Oregon on Highway 101. He pulled out a small piece of note paper and handed it to me. On it he had a handwritten list titled The Ten Essentials. My Dad told me that the list outlined the way he tried to live his life. With a mixture of hope and regret, he went on to share that he had spent too many years being angry and allowing resentment to impact his relationships and quality of life. We talked about how simple and straightforward the list appeared, but how, in reality, it was easy to let little things get in the way of being true to each of The Ten Essentials.

Two weeks after our road trip, on August 5th, 2005, my dad passed away. His death was sudden and unexpected and it took some deep soul searching to accept his passing. My father dying at sixty five woke me up to the reality of how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken from us. His death was a wakeup call and served as an invitation to begin to examine my own existence. It was at this time that I realized I had an opportunity to change my life for the better, or to continue living without intention or purpose. I have kept the small piece of note paper that lists The Ten Essentials and today I strive to incorporate them into the way I live my life and engage with others. If I am true to this inspired way of living, I believe I will have the capacity to enter each counseling relationship with compassion, authenticity, and unconditional positive regard for the client I am joining with.

I view counseling as an individualized education of the mind, heart, and soul that places the client at the center of their learning as subject, teacher, and expert. As a therapist, I believe it is my role to facilitate and guide each client through a process of self-exploration and discovery with the goal of achieving greater harmony and balance in their lives. My philosophy is closely aligned with the client centered approach offered through the lens of humanistic psychology and the influence of Carl Rogers (1951). I agree with Roger’s basic assumptions that “people are essentially trustworthy, that they have a vast potential for understanding themselves and resolving their own problems without direct intervention on the therapist part, and they are capable of self-directed growth if they are involved in a specific kind of therapeutic relationship” (Rogers, 195, p.21). According to Rogerian Therapy:
The person centered approach rejects the role of the therapist as the authority who knows best and of the passive client who merely follows the dictates of the therapist. Therapy is thus rooted in the client’s capacity for awareness and self-directed change in attitudes and behaviors (Boeree, 1998, p.1).

As a therapist I denounce the role of expert and I embrace my role as a facilitator and guide in the healing process. Through the simplicity and the beauty of The Ten Essentials I will share my client centered philosophy of counseling.

Essential #1, Drink Water.
If a person does not drink much water and does not see any value in it, my goal is not to convince them to drink more water as a way to end suffering, but to understand how they nourish themselves, literally and figuratively. What is their awareness of what their body needs to operate and function? How and where do they place value on health and wellness? Are they struggling to put food on the table, or do they struggle with compulsive eating? These are examples of understanding how each person is impacted by their quest to meet their basic needs and maintain balance in their lives.

Essential #2, Breathe Deeply.
My experience has taught me the importance of the quality of breath. When I am feeling scattered and overwhelmed, I remind myself to breathe, and not to just breathe, but to breathe deeply. Even if it is only three deep breaths, where I mindfully inhale calm, and slowly exhale fear, I find myself feeling more grounded and capable of dealing with whatever lies in front of me. In the book, Living in Balance, the authors write about breath and share the following:
In many of the world’s spiritual traditions the words for breath and for Spirit are the same. In contemporary science, breathing is regarded not only as a vital balancing force in all mind-body functioning, but as the only function that can take place both unconsciously and also be very easily consciously controlled. If you take these ideas to heart, you will realize that the simple practice of mindful breathing actually teaches you to balance in the center of the gateway where your conscious and unconscious minds meet, where your inner and outer worlds join, and where your ordinary, limited sense of Self encounters your boundless Universal self (Levey, 1998, p. 56). In my journey towards becoming a therapist, one of my most valued lessons has been discovering the power of breath as a tool for self-discovery and healing. Through mindful breathing, I have been able to reconnect with the place where my “limited sense of Self encounters my boundless Universal self,” and as a result, I have been transformed.

I feel compelled to share this pathway to healing with the clients I serve. The breath that is exchanged between us, in our shared experience in the moment, is fundamental to connecting and is what establishes the foundation for any further exchange and joining as partners in the therapeutic journey. I can observe a client’s experience with breathing without ever addressing it directly. I can observe their breath in how it rises and falls, gets shorter or deeper, faster or slower. I can draw awareness to this by calling attention to it, or I can simply notice what is happening and take it in as information.


Essential #3, Sleep Peacefully. Essential #4, Eat Nutritiously. Essential #5 Enjoy Activity.
These essentials are additional indicators of an individual’s or family’s level of balance and harmony in their lives. I believe that the goal of therapy is always determined by the client; however, knowing if a person enjoys activity, eats nutritiously, and sleeps peacefully are powerful ways of beginning to understand the client’s challenges and commitments in each of these areas. Assisting a person in understanding what gets in the way of sleep, whether it is insomnia, nightmares, or lack of shelter, is an important aspect of working effectively with clients. Lack of sleep can have a major impact on a person’s mental and physical health. The stress of living on the street creates an entirely different set of challenges. Identifying imbalances around nutrition and activity are also important areas to explore in order to create a holistic approach to healing to the mind and body.

Therapeutic interventions happen along a continuum of care and I believe it is my first task is to determine where each client is along this continuum. It is my responsibility to meet them where they are at, and to make room for their stories and experiences to emerge. As they develop a deeper understanding of themselves it is our work to access the personal power and potential needed to bring about the transformation they seek. By joining with the clients and allowing them to develop a sense of agency and purpose we will be able to begin a process of healing that that is relevant and meaningful to them.

Essential #6, Give and Receive Love.
Perhaps the most important and life giving force known to human kind is our innate desire to give and receive love. The universal longing for love, meaning, fulfillment, self-understanding, connection with others is an undeniable aspect of the human condition. When the longing to be loved goes unmet, or sacred bonds of love are broken or betrayed, suffering endures. It is critical to create a therapeutic relationship where trust and respect are present. Once trust and respect are established I am able to learn a great deal about a person and their ability (or inability) to give and receive love. By leaning in with curiosity and offering unconditional positive regard for the client before me, I am able to learn ways in which they are closed and open, hopeful and afraid, and together we can begin to cultivate a relationship built on trust and authenticity. Through this honest and genuine exchange the client is able to see how these learned behaviors are showing up and the impact they are having on their lives, beliefs about themselves and the world, and their relationships with others.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi

Essential #7, Be Forgiving.
Exploring a client’s ability to forgive themselves and others offers a huge portal into understanding how an individual processes past hurt and misunderstanding. Negativity and blame are often the source of disease and imbalance in our lives. Letting go of blame and truly embracing the act of forgiveness is no small feat, but can be vital to creating balance. As a therapist I can learn a great deal about a person through understanding their relationship with forgiveness. Resentment, shame, trauma, and fear are all causes of imbalance and disease. Working together to explore the story behind these feelings, and the source of their arrival into the each person’s narrative is a key part of restoring balance.

Essential #8, Practice Gratitude. Practicing gratitude is a way to look for the best of what is in any situation and focusing on the positive. This can be as little as finding a glimmer of hope or a grain of truth as we attempt to understand and make sense of our sometimes chaotic and painful life experiences, past and present. There are aspects of our lives that are difficult and unfair and we are simply unable to change the past. When I encourage my clients to unearth the painful stories of their past as a way to understand the role they play in the present, I am also committing to helping them develop acceptance as a way to move through the experience with hope and courage.

Essential #9, Develop Acceptance.
Both gratitude and acceptance are important characteristics to be mindful of in our quest to restore and maintain balance in our lives. People often enter counseling only able to see the negative aspects of their situation and are unable to see the whole picture. As a therapist, it is my job to help my clients look carefully at the nature of their presenting problem and start to identify different outcomes that will lead to the relief or insight they are seeking. Whether a client comes to me feeling anxious, angry, overwhelmed, or afraid, it is my job to help tap into their natural potential for change, and to help them recognize that acceptance is often the only way out of a difficult situation.

Awareness of the source of the pain is almost always the starting place in my work with clients, especially if they have sought out counseling in need of immediate relief. We begin to take steps to accept the situation for what it is, no matter how painful or difficult it might seem in the moment. Together we begin to imagine and create different and more desirable outcomes based on conversations about what can be changed, and what cannot be changed. Change requires action, and action is only possible when we accept the way the world is so that we can begin to work with it.

Essential #10, Develop a Relationship with God.
As a therapist my goal is to help clients find the insight and tools to accept the past for what it is and the strength to make meaningful changes in the present. One of the most powerful ways I have seen people change and transform their lives is through developing a relationship with God. I strongly believe that cultivating a spiritual practice has the potential to change and transform a person unlike anything else in this world. Long ago I had a very wise therapist share with me a very simple, yet profound statement about God. She said, “there is room for everyone at God’s table.” This sentence shifted the way I viewed spirituality, and expanded my capacity to be open to all faiths and spiritual pathways. Like any other aspect of therapy, if a client invites God, Goddess, Buddha, Allah, Jehovah, or any other spiritual deity or guide into the conversation, I am comfortable hosting their beliefs and the God of their understanding. I often pray before meeting with a client and ask that God give me ears to hear, a heart of compassion, eyes to see what is hidden, and a spirit of loving kindness and generosity. I personally set aside time each day for prayer and meditation to strengthen my relationship with God, for it is my relationship with God that nourishes me and allows me to do this work.

Ultimately, The Ten Essentials are about caring for yourself and others, and they do a beautiful job capturing the essence of my theory of counseling. My education and experience have taught me that breathing deeply, drinking water, sleeping peacefully, and enjoying activity are all at the core of a healthy and balanced lifestyle. I also believe these four areas of self-care, and each of The Ten Essentials, are relevant and helpful in the change process and can be tailored to each individual and family system in a way that honors their culture, values, and belief systems.

It is often basic unmet human needs that lay at the core of the disease, chaos, and dysfunction an individual and/or family is experiencing. When symptoms of not enough or too much manifest they can take the form of health and mental health issues such as high blood pressure, addiction, obesity, chronic pain, anxiety, depression, insomnia, and a myriad of other diseases and maladies experienced by individuals in our society. As a therapist I have the opportunity to guide my clients and help them find relief from the symptoms or issues that interfere with their desire to live life in a way that feels meaningful and balanced. One of the internal assessment tools I rely on is how The Ten Essentials show up in each client’s life. I can simply ask myself, do they enjoy activity, eat nutritiously, or practice acceptance, as I gather information regarding the Essentials that are relevant to each client’s current struggle or challenge.

It is my belief that people seek therapy because they are experiencing some level of imbalance in their lives. Our work together as client and therapist is to first restore balance in their lives and then to deepen their level of insight through the work we do together. Deepening my clients’ ways of knowing the self and other, as understood through their personal narrative and life experience is a key value that undergirds my theory of counseling. As they come to develop a broader view of their own life story, I believe they will become better equipped to navigate the schism between chaos and contentment that exists in this world and often shows up as discord, fear, and anxiety in our lives. I believe the purpose of my interaction with each person and family is to help them increase their awareness and ways of knowing the ever-present forces of dark and light, good and evil, and chaos and calm alive in all of us at any given moment in time.

Living in Balance, by Joel Levey and Michelle Levey (1998) offer the following explanation on the importance of balance:
In search of balance, it is helpful to think of everything- every quality, action or object- as inseparable from its opposite: male and female, night and day, inside and outside. No matter how much you might like to have only the positives in life; freedom, peace, love, if you are seeking that static state, you will always be disappointed. For everything also contains its opposites and both sides must be balanced: form and space, creativity and receptivity, activity and rest, growth and decay, manifest creation and the unmanifest source of all creation. The good news is that, as your sense of balance grows, you’ll find it easier to integrate the other side, “the negatives” into your life; you’ll discover the clarity in the midst of confusion, the stillness at the center of motion, and the love that waits behind fear and anger. If you can learn to dance with the innumerable paradoxes of your life while staying anchored in an extraordinary suppleness and flexibility, you will create the stability necessary to find balance in your life (p.11).

This core value of restoring balance highlights the importance of helping each client increase their awareness of the ebb and flow of positive and negative forces that are ever present and ever changing (develop acceptance). It is my role as the therapist, to guide them in their journey to become attuned to their own heart’s rhythm, response, and reactions to the push and pull that is life (develop acceptance). To facilitate this change process, I believe it is important to address the level of basic needs and self-care present (or absent) in each client’s day to day life. In Maslow’s terms I am working to determine if they are experiencing deficiency needs or growth needs. Once I have had an opportunity to gather this information I am better equipped to effectively begin my work with each client.

After the assessment, there are two important elements I must ensure I have readily available and accessible to the client in order for this to happen. First, as a therapist, I must be willing to meet the client where they are at. This means that I make a commitment to put my values and judgments aside, and make myself completely available to the client. Second, I must be able to see the client in the midst of whatever painful experience, shameful story, or emotional response they present in the moment and be able to convey what Carl Roger’s (1951) calls Unconditional Positive Regard for them and their experience. Roger’s (1951) believes that Congruence, Unconditional Positive Regard, and Accurate Empathic Understanding are fundamental aspects of the helping relationships. These three attributes are at the core of my theory of counseling, and are essential to establishing the type of therapeutic relationship necessary for real growth and change to occur.