My Family of Origin Letter from my Father (posthumously)

The following is a letter from my father; I believe it was written in 1994. It was in response to a letter I wrote him following a confrontation we had following a visit. I witnessed him berate and criticize my older brother and I froze. When he finished going off on my brother, I saw red, and I went from freeze to fight. I had never confronted an adult before (I was 23) and I was trembling after the encounter, and cried from a place of deep pain I could not understand at the time. For many years I thought of my father as an angry man with a bad temper, quick to explode and criticize. In a way, I kept my distance. He was also a highly intelligent man with many stories and dreams. In his mid-fifties, shortly after he wrote this letter, he changed, he started to let go of his anger and began to soften. He was introspective, kind, and thoughtful. He was always quick to say he loved me and how proud he was of me.

In graduate school we were encouraged to conduct family of origin interviews with our family members as a way to better understand how we think and feel are influenced by an emotional system that has its roots in our families’ multigenerational history. Since my father passed away in 2005 I was not able to interview him. Our faculty described a process of conducting graveside visits and others ways to do this work with those who have passed. In the end of my second year I found a letter from my father, and when read from the perspective of a family of origin letter, it is incredibly prolific and deeply moving. My father may not have known who Murray Bowen was, but he surely understood the multigenerational transmission process and the role our family of origin plays in our lives.

THE LETTER

4/22 7 p.m.

My Dearest Haley,

Just arrived back to Bend. Your letter was most welcomed. It brought tears! Yes, we are one, yes we are extremely sensitive. Once again you are the one who sees, the one who understands. If you had known your grandmother better you’d better understand me. Your mother can tell you about my mom.

As it turns out I also have the “great genetic’ link to my father. Please try to understand that when you see the polar sides of me it’s due to being part of two opposite types!

You, my darling Haley, are the extension of the John Lowe curse! Painfully expressive! Blunt in truthfulness! Caring till it creates anger! But, but, do not fear for the future! It is assured! You will surely bear the pain of others if only from being able to sense it! Do not assume personal responsibility for it all! Contribute where you are able! The saying is “from each according to their ability, to each according to their need!” Also, and this is from the incredible gift you gave me at xmas, “the pain of love be sweeter far than all other pleasures are!” I love the book. There are quotes to cover almost ever situation, any subject. Thank you once more for your perception and thoughtfulness. I’ll look up daughter-“Oh, my sons my son til he get him a wife, but my daughter’s my daughter all her life.”

I love you! I hope we can spend some time- up close and personal soon! Beyond being your father I aspire to be one who has your respect for who I am becoming!

Dennis