Being Compassionate with Yourself

How compassionate are you when it comes to your own needs, longings, and fears? I was my own worse critic for years and allowed my fear and self judgement to occupy a lot of prime realestate in my life. I was too much of one thing and not enough of the other and I felt like nothing I did ever added up to much. For a majority of my life, if only and should have kept me stuck in my own misery. Today, I know that I am enough. Today, I recognize my imperfections and I have compassion for my struggles and fears. I get to make mistakes and I get to start my day over as many times as I need to. I've learned how to utilize a powerful phrase that has strengthened my relationships with people I care about; "I was wrong, and I'm sorry." Admitting my mistakes and owning up to my shortcomings has been a suprising pathway to building self esteem and feeling good about how I show up in the world.

Here is a cool site on self compassion. I have used the test with clients as a way to really look at how our lack of self compassion can cast a dark shadow over our true potential for growth and change. http://www.self-compassion.org/

Max Ehrmann's inspirational poem - Desiderata

The common myth is that the Desiderata poem was found in a Baltimore church in 1692 and is centuries old, of unknown origin. Desiderata was in fact written around 1920 (although some say as early as 1906), and certainly copyrighted in 1927, by lawyer Max Ehrmann (1872-1945) based in Terre Haute, Indiana. The Desiderata myth began after Reverend Frederick Kates reproduced the Desiderata poem in a collection of inspirational works for his congregation in 1959 on church notepaper, headed: 'The Old St Paul's Church, Baltimore, AD 1692' (the year the church was founded). Copies of the Desiderata page were circulated among friends, and the myth grew, accelerated particularly when a copy of the erroneously attributed Desiderata was found at the bedside of deceased Democratic politician Aidlai Stevenson in 1965.

Whatever the history of Desiderata, the Ehrmann's prose is inspirational, and offers a simple positive credo for life.



desiderata - by max ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

My Graduation Commencement Speech, January 19th, 2013 at Bastyr Chapel

When I first thought about making this speech, I was overwhelmed and a bit anxious about having only five minutes to make the most important speech of my life. When I reflected more deeply on my task, I realized that this wasn’t the most important speech I’d ever make in my life, that speech would need to be at least seven minutes.

As we leave here, we’re all going to be making the most important speech of our lives, and we’re going to make it over and over again. We’re going to do it every time we take the time to get to know somebody, to look them in the eyes, to treat them with respect, compassion, and empathy. Now that we share this responsibility, my anxiety has lifted, and I can relax a little.

Every time we make a connection and bring our authentic selves to a conversation or a meeting - every time we join with another person, and are truly present - we make the most important speech of our lives.

We do this when we show up in the world with intention.
We do this when we are deliberate about the quality of the connections we make with the people in our lives.
We do this when we are aware of our impact on others.
We do this simply by being present in the moment.

In sharing this responsibility, the importance of me, one person standing before you today, became less significant, and what really became important was the power that each of us has to impact change in the world and the magnitude of the impact we can make with the amazing tools that were given to us in our time at LIOS. (For the record, they weren't just given to us, we had to work for them.)

As a cohort, we were asked to take a leap of faith and step outside of our comfort zones. We were asked to let go of old stories, assumptions and habits, and to be fully open to discovering a new way of being alive in the world. We learned to listen for our true vocation and found our purpose on the planet. A deep desire to serve emerged from our shared experience as a cohort when our faculty called on us to think about where our deep hunger met the world’s deep need. Broken hearts were mended and made whole. Vulnerabilities were revealed, and when we looked into each other’s eyes, with respect, authenticity, and unconditional positive regard, we saw the universal longing to belong and to be a part of. We found that on the other side of fear was love. The divide between us grew smaller and our connection grew stronger. We were transformed.

Love is the antidote to the disconnect that keeps us in fear, the antidote that will bring us closer as a community so we can begin to heal, a healing that is so desperately needed in these unprecedented times of violence and unrest in the world. Love is the most powerful weapon we possess as human beings. Love requires us to trust, it asks us to let go of certainty, and it invites curiosity.

We have been asked to take risks in the service of learning, and I’m calling on our class to continue to let love guide us through the challenges that lie ahead. As Alex reminded us, the work that we do as therapists and practitioners is not for the faint of heart. We are going to need a lot of love on our journey.

I believe so deeply that love is at the core of what we need to heal the world. We don’t need any more evidence; we don’t need another political party, or another religious body; all we need is the spirit of love and compassion. When I look around this room, I see no shortage of love - let us capitalize on this and make miracles happen. Let’s take risks in the service of love, and go out and change the world. Are you with me?

Before I close, I invite everyone gathered here today to consider a few simple ways you can begin to make a difference in the world:

 Talk to strangers
 Question your assumptions
 Be curious
 Practice gratitude
 Take a radical stand for social justice.
 Don’t wait to move towards love, don’t wait until the time is right, the time may never feel right, just take the first step, no matter how small
 Speak your truth from a place of respect and compassion, not to be right, but to be a part of the conversation.
 Really get to know who is at the table and be aware of who is missing.
 Be courageous and trust that little voice inside of you that says something isn’t right; and in the works of Audre Lorde, “Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.” Trust yourself.
 And most importantly. . . .remember to breath.

We could not have come this far without our incredible faculty who led us through this amazing labyrinth of growth and awakening. We are deeply grateful for your guidance, wisdom, and encouragement. We could not have dreamed up a more amazing group of teachers to guide us on this journey.

To our friends and families who supported us through the ups and downs of this crazy learning experience. Thank you.

I will close with the Tree of Life Blessing by Shiloh Sopia McCloud:
May you choose outrageous actions that challenge who you are
and encourage who you are becoming.
May you take one step, however small,
toward that which you have always longed for.
Now is the "right time."
May you recognize the unique and powerful contribution
that you bring to the people whose lives you touch.
May you be as wonderful as you really are,
and do things because you want to,
not just because you should.
May you celebrate your creativity
and believe that you are an
artist with a unique vision that no one else has.
May you find peace and purpose and possibility
amidst the chaos
while remaining aware of the unrest in the world.
May you reach towards the Spirit
with a longing that keeps
you awake to the miracles available all around you.
May your faith move any mountains
that stand in your way
and bring you great teachers to awaken your understanding.
May you give up shame, guilt and self-neglect
and replace them with qualities like freedom,
integrity and self-nurturing.
May you offer the gifts and blessings
of your soul work
to beings of the world
when the time is ripe for you to release them.
May you passionately and deeply love and be loved
by someone who can see who you really are.
May your body speak to you and teach you
how to care for the temple
that houses your bright spirit.
May you walk gently on the earth
and honor your hearth and family
with your action and your rest.
May you find and enjoy the fruit of abundance
so that your life path can be fortified and furthered.
May you embrace the Tree of Life
and be informed by the wisdom
she brings to those on her path.
May LOVE be at the center of all your choices
and may you, with me,
send this blessing to all beings.
Amen.

The Quest for Balance: The Ten Essentials

The following excerpt is taken from my clinical theory of counseling titled The Quest for Balance: The Ten Essentials

THE TEN ESSENTIALS
Answering the Call

I went a short road trip with my Dad in July 2005. We stopped for lunch at a roadside cafe somewhere between Coos Bay and Tillamook, Oregon on Highway 101. He pulled out a small piece of note paper and handed it to me. On it he had a handwritten list titled The Ten Essentials. My Dad told me that the list outlined the way he tried to live his life. With a mixture of hope and regret, he went on to share that he had spent too many years being angry and allowing resentment to impact his relationships and quality of life. We talked about how simple and straightforward the list appeared, but how, in reality, it was easy to let little things get in the way of being true to each of The Ten Essentials.

Two weeks after our road trip, on August 5th, 2005, my dad passed away. His death was sudden and unexpected and it took some deep soul searching to accept his passing. My father dying at sixty five woke me up to the reality of how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken from us. His death was a wakeup call and served as an invitation to begin to examine my own existence. It was at this time that I realized I had an opportunity to change my life for the better, or to continue living without intention or purpose. I have kept the small piece of note paper that lists The Ten Essentials and today I strive to incorporate them into the way I live my life and engage with others. If I am true to this inspired way of living, I believe I will have the capacity to enter each counseling relationship with compassion, authenticity, and unconditional positive regard for the client I am joining with.

I view counseling as an individualized education of the mind, heart, and soul that places the client at the center of their learning as subject, teacher, and expert. As a therapist, I believe it is my role to facilitate and guide each client through a process of self-exploration and discovery with the goal of achieving greater harmony and balance in their lives. My philosophy is closely aligned with the client centered approach offered through the lens of humanistic psychology and the influence of Carl Rogers (1951). I agree with Roger’s basic assumptions that “people are essentially trustworthy, that they have a vast potential for understanding themselves and resolving their own problems without direct intervention on the therapist part, and they are capable of self-directed growth if they are involved in a specific kind of therapeutic relationship” (Rogers, 195, p.21). According to Rogerian Therapy:
The person centered approach rejects the role of the therapist as the authority who knows best and of the passive client who merely follows the dictates of the therapist. Therapy is thus rooted in the client’s capacity for awareness and self-directed change in attitudes and behaviors (Boeree, 1998, p.1).

As a therapist I denounce the role of expert and I embrace my role as a facilitator and guide in the healing process. Through the simplicity and the beauty of The Ten Essentials I will share my client centered philosophy of counseling.

Essential #1, Drink Water.
If a person does not drink much water and does not see any value in it, my goal is not to convince them to drink more water as a way to end suffering, but to understand how they nourish themselves, literally and figuratively. What is their awareness of what their body needs to operate and function? How and where do they place value on health and wellness? Are they struggling to put food on the table, or do they struggle with compulsive eating? These are examples of understanding how each person is impacted by their quest to meet their basic needs and maintain balance in their lives.

Essential #2, Breathe Deeply.
My experience has taught me the importance of the quality of breath. When I am feeling scattered and overwhelmed, I remind myself to breathe, and not to just breathe, but to breathe deeply. Even if it is only three deep breaths, where I mindfully inhale calm, and slowly exhale fear, I find myself feeling more grounded and capable of dealing with whatever lies in front of me. In the book, Living in Balance, the authors write about breath and share the following:
In many of the world’s spiritual traditions the words for breath and for Spirit are the same. In contemporary science, breathing is regarded not only as a vital balancing force in all mind-body functioning, but as the only function that can take place both unconsciously and also be very easily consciously controlled. If you take these ideas to heart, you will realize that the simple practice of mindful breathing actually teaches you to balance in the center of the gateway where your conscious and unconscious minds meet, where your inner and outer worlds join, and where your ordinary, limited sense of Self encounters your boundless Universal self (Levey, 1998, p. 56). In my journey towards becoming a therapist, one of my most valued lessons has been discovering the power of breath as a tool for self-discovery and healing. Through mindful breathing, I have been able to reconnect with the place where my “limited sense of Self encounters my boundless Universal self,” and as a result, I have been transformed.

I feel compelled to share this pathway to healing with the clients I serve. The breath that is exchanged between us, in our shared experience in the moment, is fundamental to connecting and is what establishes the foundation for any further exchange and joining as partners in the therapeutic journey. I can observe a client’s experience with breathing without ever addressing it directly. I can observe their breath in how it rises and falls, gets shorter or deeper, faster or slower. I can draw awareness to this by calling attention to it, or I can simply notice what is happening and take it in as information.


Essential #3, Sleep Peacefully. Essential #4, Eat Nutritiously. Essential #5 Enjoy Activity.
These essentials are additional indicators of an individual’s or family’s level of balance and harmony in their lives. I believe that the goal of therapy is always determined by the client; however, knowing if a person enjoys activity, eats nutritiously, and sleeps peacefully are powerful ways of beginning to understand the client’s challenges and commitments in each of these areas. Assisting a person in understanding what gets in the way of sleep, whether it is insomnia, nightmares, or lack of shelter, is an important aspect of working effectively with clients. Lack of sleep can have a major impact on a person’s mental and physical health. The stress of living on the street creates an entirely different set of challenges. Identifying imbalances around nutrition and activity are also important areas to explore in order to create a holistic approach to healing to the mind and body.

Therapeutic interventions happen along a continuum of care and I believe it is my first task is to determine where each client is along this continuum. It is my responsibility to meet them where they are at, and to make room for their stories and experiences to emerge. As they develop a deeper understanding of themselves it is our work to access the personal power and potential needed to bring about the transformation they seek. By joining with the clients and allowing them to develop a sense of agency and purpose we will be able to begin a process of healing that that is relevant and meaningful to them.

Essential #6, Give and Receive Love.
Perhaps the most important and life giving force known to human kind is our innate desire to give and receive love. The universal longing for love, meaning, fulfillment, self-understanding, connection with others is an undeniable aspect of the human condition. When the longing to be loved goes unmet, or sacred bonds of love are broken or betrayed, suffering endures. It is critical to create a therapeutic relationship where trust and respect are present. Once trust and respect are established I am able to learn a great deal about a person and their ability (or inability) to give and receive love. By leaning in with curiosity and offering unconditional positive regard for the client before me, I am able to learn ways in which they are closed and open, hopeful and afraid, and together we can begin to cultivate a relationship built on trust and authenticity. Through this honest and genuine exchange the client is able to see how these learned behaviors are showing up and the impact they are having on their lives, beliefs about themselves and the world, and their relationships with others.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ― Rumi

Essential #7, Be Forgiving.
Exploring a client’s ability to forgive themselves and others offers a huge portal into understanding how an individual processes past hurt and misunderstanding. Negativity and blame are often the source of disease and imbalance in our lives. Letting go of blame and truly embracing the act of forgiveness is no small feat, but can be vital to creating balance. As a therapist I can learn a great deal about a person through understanding their relationship with forgiveness. Resentment, shame, trauma, and fear are all causes of imbalance and disease. Working together to explore the story behind these feelings, and the source of their arrival into the each person’s narrative is a key part of restoring balance.

Essential #8, Practice Gratitude. Practicing gratitude is a way to look for the best of what is in any situation and focusing on the positive. This can be as little as finding a glimmer of hope or a grain of truth as we attempt to understand and make sense of our sometimes chaotic and painful life experiences, past and present. There are aspects of our lives that are difficult and unfair and we are simply unable to change the past. When I encourage my clients to unearth the painful stories of their past as a way to understand the role they play in the present, I am also committing to helping them develop acceptance as a way to move through the experience with hope and courage.

Essential #9, Develop Acceptance.
Both gratitude and acceptance are important characteristics to be mindful of in our quest to restore and maintain balance in our lives. People often enter counseling only able to see the negative aspects of their situation and are unable to see the whole picture. As a therapist, it is my job to help my clients look carefully at the nature of their presenting problem and start to identify different outcomes that will lead to the relief or insight they are seeking. Whether a client comes to me feeling anxious, angry, overwhelmed, or afraid, it is my job to help tap into their natural potential for change, and to help them recognize that acceptance is often the only way out of a difficult situation.

Awareness of the source of the pain is almost always the starting place in my work with clients, especially if they have sought out counseling in need of immediate relief. We begin to take steps to accept the situation for what it is, no matter how painful or difficult it might seem in the moment. Together we begin to imagine and create different and more desirable outcomes based on conversations about what can be changed, and what cannot be changed. Change requires action, and action is only possible when we accept the way the world is so that we can begin to work with it.

Essential #10, Develop a Relationship with God.
As a therapist my goal is to help clients find the insight and tools to accept the past for what it is and the strength to make meaningful changes in the present. One of the most powerful ways I have seen people change and transform their lives is through developing a relationship with God. I strongly believe that cultivating a spiritual practice has the potential to change and transform a person unlike anything else in this world. Long ago I had a very wise therapist share with me a very simple, yet profound statement about God. She said, “there is room for everyone at God’s table.” This sentence shifted the way I viewed spirituality, and expanded my capacity to be open to all faiths and spiritual pathways. Like any other aspect of therapy, if a client invites God, Goddess, Buddha, Allah, Jehovah, or any other spiritual deity or guide into the conversation, I am comfortable hosting their beliefs and the God of their understanding. I often pray before meeting with a client and ask that God give me ears to hear, a heart of compassion, eyes to see what is hidden, and a spirit of loving kindness and generosity. I personally set aside time each day for prayer and meditation to strengthen my relationship with God, for it is my relationship with God that nourishes me and allows me to do this work.

Ultimately, The Ten Essentials are about caring for yourself and others, and they do a beautiful job capturing the essence of my theory of counseling. My education and experience have taught me that breathing deeply, drinking water, sleeping peacefully, and enjoying activity are all at the core of a healthy and balanced lifestyle. I also believe these four areas of self-care, and each of The Ten Essentials, are relevant and helpful in the change process and can be tailored to each individual and family system in a way that honors their culture, values, and belief systems.

It is often basic unmet human needs that lay at the core of the disease, chaos, and dysfunction an individual and/or family is experiencing. When symptoms of not enough or too much manifest they can take the form of health and mental health issues such as high blood pressure, addiction, obesity, chronic pain, anxiety, depression, insomnia, and a myriad of other diseases and maladies experienced by individuals in our society. As a therapist I have the opportunity to guide my clients and help them find relief from the symptoms or issues that interfere with their desire to live life in a way that feels meaningful and balanced. One of the internal assessment tools I rely on is how The Ten Essentials show up in each client’s life. I can simply ask myself, do they enjoy activity, eat nutritiously, or practice acceptance, as I gather information regarding the Essentials that are relevant to each client’s current struggle or challenge.

It is my belief that people seek therapy because they are experiencing some level of imbalance in their lives. Our work together as client and therapist is to first restore balance in their lives and then to deepen their level of insight through the work we do together. Deepening my clients’ ways of knowing the self and other, as understood through their personal narrative and life experience is a key value that undergirds my theory of counseling. As they come to develop a broader view of their own life story, I believe they will become better equipped to navigate the schism between chaos and contentment that exists in this world and often shows up as discord, fear, and anxiety in our lives. I believe the purpose of my interaction with each person and family is to help them increase their awareness and ways of knowing the ever-present forces of dark and light, good and evil, and chaos and calm alive in all of us at any given moment in time.

Living in Balance, by Joel Levey and Michelle Levey (1998) offer the following explanation on the importance of balance:
In search of balance, it is helpful to think of everything- every quality, action or object- as inseparable from its opposite: male and female, night and day, inside and outside. No matter how much you might like to have only the positives in life; freedom, peace, love, if you are seeking that static state, you will always be disappointed. For everything also contains its opposites and both sides must be balanced: form and space, creativity and receptivity, activity and rest, growth and decay, manifest creation and the unmanifest source of all creation. The good news is that, as your sense of balance grows, you’ll find it easier to integrate the other side, “the negatives” into your life; you’ll discover the clarity in the midst of confusion, the stillness at the center of motion, and the love that waits behind fear and anger. If you can learn to dance with the innumerable paradoxes of your life while staying anchored in an extraordinary suppleness and flexibility, you will create the stability necessary to find balance in your life (p.11).

This core value of restoring balance highlights the importance of helping each client increase their awareness of the ebb and flow of positive and negative forces that are ever present and ever changing (develop acceptance). It is my role as the therapist, to guide them in their journey to become attuned to their own heart’s rhythm, response, and reactions to the push and pull that is life (develop acceptance). To facilitate this change process, I believe it is important to address the level of basic needs and self-care present (or absent) in each client’s day to day life. In Maslow’s terms I am working to determine if they are experiencing deficiency needs or growth needs. Once I have had an opportunity to gather this information I am better equipped to effectively begin my work with each client.

After the assessment, there are two important elements I must ensure I have readily available and accessible to the client in order for this to happen. First, as a therapist, I must be willing to meet the client where they are at. This means that I make a commitment to put my values and judgments aside, and make myself completely available to the client. Second, I must be able to see the client in the midst of whatever painful experience, shameful story, or emotional response they present in the moment and be able to convey what Carl Roger’s (1951) calls Unconditional Positive Regard for them and their experience. Roger’s (1951) believes that Congruence, Unconditional Positive Regard, and Accurate Empathic Understanding are fundamental aspects of the helping relationships. These three attributes are at the core of my theory of counseling, and are essential to establishing the type of therapeutic relationship necessary for real growth and change to occur.