This is a follow up to February's post on Acceptance and Action. Thoughtful action can only follow true acceptance of a situation. For many years I was a sweep it under the rug kind of girl. I thought if I avoided it and pretended it wasn't there, it would eventually go away. I learned it NEVER goes away. I remember sitting in my therapist office several years ago, desperate for a different way of living, I asked her what I needed to do to change. She started by asking me about my family and creating a genogram. If you don't know what a genogram is, it's kinda like a therapist version of a family tree, but it seeks to discover more than our ancestry. She used a pencil and erasor as she took this information, which is good, because I have a complicated family. This was fun at first, but then it started to get really uncomfortable. In that moment, went it got really uncomfortable, it was as if her eyes were fixed on the floor, the place I had both feet firmly planted on the rug that held all of my pain and all of my secrets. I knew I had been found out and I was not happy about her ability to see through my smokescreen of togetherness. Since this was my time and my money, I let her know we would not be disturbing what was underneath the rug, as it was perfectly fine where it was at. I informed her that my issues were not in the past, but in my inability to navigate the difficulties of the day to day stuff. I asked her what I needed to do get over these obstacles, to get beyond them, and to find a little peace. I let her know how smart and adaptable I was, how resilient and wise I had become over the years. She smiled, not in a condescending way, but a kind and compassionate way. She said the only way out was through it. I sunk in my chair, I did not want to go through the pain of my past. Even more, I did not want to go on living the way I was living, so I slowly started the process of surrender. I had much to accept before I could begin to take action.
"The wound is the place where the light enters you." Rumi
The Big Book of Alchoholic Anonymous has a widely read piece on acceptance that can be adapted to almost any situation, not just alcohol. I've learned that sometimes complete acceptance is the only action I need to take. Page 417 reads: And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance!
The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact.
Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavoir." Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey.
I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse.
I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were.
Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.
That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.
From my clinical theory of counseling:
Essential #9, Develop Acceptance. Both gratitude and acceptance are important characteristics to be mindful of in our quest to restore and maintain balance in our lives. People often enter counseling only able to see the negative aspects of their situation and are unable to see the whole picture. As a therapist, it is my job to help my clients look carefully at the nature of their presenting problem and start to identify different outcomes that will lead to the relief or insight they are seeking. Whether a client comes to me feeling anxious, angry, overwhelmed, or afraid, it is my job to help tap into their natural potential for change, and to help them recognize that acceptance is often the only way out of a difficult situation.
Awareness of the source of the pain is almost always the starting place in my work with clients, especially if they have sought out counseling in need of immediate relief. We begin to take steps to accept the situation for what it is, no matter how painful or difficult it might seem in the moment. Together we begin to imagine and create different and more desirable outcomes based on conversations about what can be changed, and what cannot be changed. Change requires action, and action is only possible when we accept the way the world is so that we can begin to work with it.
